Missing my Dad!

my baptism day and me as a baby, my dad always loved holding babies, especially his own!


Our family at the Funeral

My dad who has always been my comfort and strength passed away on February 4, 2010. I have such mixed emotions about him being gone (happy for him to not be suffering, and sad for me) sometimes it is hard to sort through them. He had been suffering from poor health for about 6 years, a lot of his problems stemming from Parkinson's disease. Since Thanksgiving he has been trying to heal from his broken hip. He was at a care center doing physical therapy and trying to recover and come home. He started having colon problems and would get very bloated (it was turning and bascially his colon was pinching off). He was in the hospital three different times for a colonoscopy to help his bowels but it didn't work. The doctors in the ER told my mom that she should talk to hospice care so if this occurs again (which they felt sure it would) he could recieve pain medication and not suffer. Our family had talked about different scenarios for some time and when the option of hospice came up we knew we didn't have much time left with our Dad. After that hospital trip my mom decided to line up hospice care and once they got back to the care center sure enough he started having severe stomach pains and bloating again, so on Tuesday February 2 we brought him home. We made a sign and got "welcome home" balloons. My girls asked if Grandpa was coming home, home? we had said so many times that he was coming home from the hospital and that meant back to the care center, so when they realized it was home-home they starting jumping up and down. I had the most spiritual experience of my life those 2 days my dad was home with us. We were given so many tender mercies from the Lord and ones to sacred to share. My dad has always cared a great deal about how he would leave this world. Would he be able to have his family tell him they love him and say goodbye? Would he be a vegetable in a nursing home? Would he die in the night, alone? When my brother Ryan explained to Dad that he could have surgery to fix his colon, but would have many other complications, my Dad said it sounded like he would be dying in bits and he didn't want that. We could tell on Thursday that he was struggling to breath and very restless. The hospice nurse (who has been a neighbor of 20 years) said that she noticed signs of it being close. We made phone calls for family who live out of state to talk to him one last time. Myself, my mom, Lana, Lesley, and niece Brittany were around his bed singing church hymns to help him relax and telling him how much we love him. We shared so many tender moments and I felt such gratitude toward my Heavenly Father for granting my Dad the desires of his heart to leave this world and enter the next with such peace, comfort, and dignity. I miss him terribly and I don't imagine that goes away, but knowing what I do of life beyond this brings a comfort that fills that emptiness. My Dad always had a way of knowing what was going on with me even if I tried to fake it. He would say, Something is wrong isn't it? I would say no I was fine, then he would give me a look that would make me break down and start to cry and he would just hug me and tell me how much he loved me and things will be o.k. I plan on missing him (can't control that) but I will try hard to not let it consume me. My mom is such a rock, but she has lived 42 years with my Dad and I know it scares her to be without him, he has been her whole life the past few years in caring for him. The gospel of Jesus Christ has such power to heal our hearts.
I love you Dad- forever!